pandas, penguins, and people

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/newborn-giant-panda-cub-dies-at-national-zoo/2012/09/23/e58c19f8-019b-11e2-9367-4e1bafb958db_story.html?hpid=z1

You may have heard that the giant baby panda cub that was born at the National Zoo in Washington died Sunday, just a week after its birth.  (I've included a link to the story from the Washington Post).

To my surprise, the news made me sad, really sad.  It's not that I'm a huge panda fan, though I was disappointed we didn't get to see them during our visit last month.  I think it made such an impression because it got me thinking about the universality of parenthood, the fragility of life, and the profound sorrow that any parent, human or animal, feels at the loss of a child.   

I had no idea about how much I could love and how deeply attached I could become to someone I hardly even knew, even before he was born.  Zachary's birth was so improbable anyway, with years of trying turning into IUI and then IVF, each costly cycle raising our hopes then dashing them days later until we finally got picture proof. 

We suddenly joined this club that carries with it both unmatched joys and enormous responsibility.  His early birth and multiplicity of problems prompted me into bargaining for his survival.  Though my prayers would acknowledge that it was selfish to question God's plan for him, I would beg for that plan to include many years of health and happiness, with or without me.  I realized from that initial prayer, which was my first in some time, that I would be willing to do anything for him.

I remembered the scene from the movie March of the Penguins where the poppa penguins risked their lives braving icy winds to keep the just-layed eggs warm while the momma birds trekked many miles back to the fishing grounds to fatten up so they could nurse the baby birds when they hatched.  The movie showed one father whose efforts failed and the way in which he expressed his sorrow, much like the mama panda, making distress calls and cradling a toy much as she had been cradling her newborn cub.

I guess the news just hit home because I know we are blessed that we still have our little guy.  We thought on more than one occasion that we wouldn't have him for long, going so far as to have a nurse take one first -- and we thought last -- family picture of the three of us.  I cry every time I look at that picture, sometimes even when I think about it, like now.  But I can't bring myself to erase it, maybe because it reminds me how lucky we are and not to take a single second with him for granted.

I might just be feeling overly emotional because I'm tired, it's late, and I'm spending another lonely nurseless night watching my boy sleep and wondering what he'll be like when he grows up, praying that he's not taken from us too soon by accident or sickness, and wondering how any parent could ever bear that burden. 

So I guess in at least one way pandas, penguins, and people aren't all that different. 

boys weekend

It's just the boys this weekend. 

Mommy went on an out-of-town paddling trip yesterday, leaving us behind to get into all manner of trouble. 

So far we've watched some TV, which Zachary doesn't normally get to do.  He didn't so much watch as just grab the remote and change channels.  I think he was enamored with the power it gave him.  Hope that doesn't go to his head.

We also tried to stay up late last night, but the little guy tuckered out at 8:00 p.m., which is earlier than he normally goes to bed.  He made up for it by getting up around 6:00 a.m. this morning though. 

We've got a big day planned today.  Going to go for a walk this afternoon, then after playing for a while, are going to watch Florida State and Clemson, if he can stay up that long.  Then tomorrow we're going to watch the Redskins. 

Erin and I have been trying to get away for a day or two here and there to mentally decompress, get a little exercise, and recharge our batteries.  One of these days we may even get away together for a few days, or at least that's the hope.

So anyone have any ideas what me and the boy can do while mommy's gone?

what's been going on?

I've been off the grid for a while and neglected my posting duties, so here's what's been going on the past several weeks for those of you who are interested, which I guess is you since you are reading this right now.

Zachary visited his cousins Grace and Jake a couple weeks ago in Cleveland.  He LOVED being around kids his size, well, almost his size.  It was interesting to see him interact with them.  He was fascinated by Jake, who's 3, and followed him around trying to pat him on the head.  Jake was a good sport, but could have done without the irritation.  Grace just wanted to hug and cuddle with Zachary, which was really cute. 

I was worried about him getting knocked down and around, but on the few occasions he took a tumble, he popped up smiling and laughing.  He did do a header onto the hardwood floor while running around the house, resulting in a nasty-looking knot and bruise on his forehead.  I think it hurt me more than him.  I'm looking forward to him spending more time with them and other kids his age and ability so he can start getting used to interacting and socializing with someone other than us and his doctors and nurses.

He also had an ultrasound last week to check on the artery and vein that were fixed a month or so ago.  There was still some residual blood flowing where it shouldn't, but it wasn't too much and the doctor thinks things looked pretty good.  Has to check again in about six months but it looks like we'll be able to avoid a second surgery, which is a relief. 

But for whatever reason, his heart rate has been creeping up to pre-surgery levels, about 15 to 20 beats per minute higher than it was before he started having problems.  He's not showing any signs of being sick, like increased secretions or a fever or anything like that, so we're miffed.  His pediatrician doesn't seem too concerned, but can't explain it either.  We've reached out to his cardiologist and pulmonologist to get their thoughts, so stay tuned.

Zachary is also very happy that football season has started.  He things Florida State could have a great year (national championship?) and that RGIII and the Redskins are going to be very exciting to watch, though probably won't win the NFC East or make the playoffs.  But what does he know, he's not even two years old, though he will be next month, believe it or not!