another one?

Let me start by providing the following disclaimer:  Erin authorized and approved this post, so I'm not betraying a marital confidence or anything like that.  You paying attention now?

So here it is:  I want Zachary to have a brother or sister.   There are lots of reasons not to have another baby.  I'm too old (and let me be clear on this point:  I'm just referring to me, not Erin).  Zachary's medical conditions are a LOT of work and will be for some time.  And the most important:  there's a 25 percent chance that the same problems that led to Zachary's early birth could happen again. 

I don't think I could ever put another child through what Zachary had to go through, and what he continues to deal with.  He was in so much pain for so long that well-meaning doctors, who had taken an oath to do no harm, raised the subject of taking him off life support because it might be the more humane thing to do, both to stop his suffering and avoid the profound mental and physical disabilities that could accompany a child born so soon who was subjected to such invasive medical interventions. 

We would have (and almost did) if we would have thought all hope was lost and he didn't have any fight left in him. But I'll swear to my dying day that he wanted us to keep fighting for him.  Maybe that was just wishful thinking to assuage our guilt, but he proved tougher and more resilient than anyone expected.  So the idea of a one-in-four chance that something like that might happen again scares the hell out of me and should extinguish any idea about trying to have another one. 

But . . .

Zachary has given my life a new meaning and direction that was lacking before his arrival.  I feel like I've finally done something with my life that means something to someone.  I have a purpose, each and every day, and it's very simple:  love my little boy and take care of his needs, whatever they are and however I can.   

We missed most of the fun pregnancy stuff, like readying the baby's room, waiting for labor to start, wheeling mom and baby out of the hospital after three days for the big homecoming.  I'd like to have those experiences.  I don't blame anyone for thinking that sounds selfish. Maybe it is.

We were more than three months from his due date when the doctor told Erin on a Saturday morning "we have to get the baby out, NOW!"  Then a half dozen doctors and nurses showed up.  We asked them to clear the room for a minute so we could collect our thoughts.  They gave us about 15 seconds.  

I feel guilty when I feel sorry for myself about what happened, how it happened, and how it has impacted out lives.  I know we're lucky he's alive and doing so well.  Some parents aren't as fortunate, as we saw firsthand too many times.  And don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not satisfied with having just him.  Hard to explain I guess. 

Erin is not of the same mind as me on the matter.  Not upset at all.  Can totally understand her perspective.  So unless she wants a sister wife (and why would any guy want more than one wife anyway?) we won't be having another one. 

Disappointing.